The Academy of Ultimate Villainy--fanfiction. How to Conquer the World on a Post College Budget.

A man's voice crackles over the radio, “Greetings, friends. It's me, the substitute spy. The Spy has gone missing, and I fear she may be locked in The Filthy Dungeons of Doom and Gloom. Anyhow, I'm here substituting at the Academy for Ultimate Villainy. I'm hiding in the catwalk over Iniquitous Auditorium, but I don't know how long I have until they find me. So, here goes.”

Dr. Sylvia Sinestra, “We would like to welcome to the stage Miss Leticia Leerlover, celebrated alumna of The Academy of Ultimate Villainy, five times conqueror of Saba, and 2011 winner of Who's got an evil laugh!”

Leticia, a trim and stately brunette, minces on stage in three inch dragon leather heels. She takes her place at the podium. “Is this on?” She taps the mic with a slender forefinger, causing a fuzzy roar to shake the amphitheater. She winces. “Thank you. Greetings, students of villainy. I assume you all are faring diabolically." The auditorium explodes into cheers and malicious laughs. "Today I shall speak on how to conquer the world on a low budget. By the time you graduate, many of you will have incurred colossal student loans and class related medical bills. The best education is hardly cheap. But when you graduate, you feel you can take on the world, the hero, even the author. You are on fire, for you are young and invincible. Young, invincible, and dead broke.” She bubbles a high-pitched giggle. “You are as sunk in debt as you plan to sink the hero in eel infested slime. Ultimate Villainy is expensive! And even though you can get a decent payment plan on an Evil-mobile, the price to keep it in gasoline would make your sinister chuckle die in your throat. And let's not even mention the costs of a Secret Lair, or paying employment agents to hire minions for you, the cost of a decent security system, radio slots for broadcasting threats to the world—You didn't actually think Real Villains hijack the radio? Ooooh. Villainy is an expensive life goal. However, there are ways to make it cheaper.”

Leticia pivots toward the back wall and fumbles with the powerpoint remote. The images on the imax screen shift into place. “Thank you.”

“1. No costumes for minions.

I am thoroughly against Stormtrooper-ish costumes. For one they are expensive even when you purchase them in bulk from myminions.com. Another reason is that heroes qualm about slaughtering people whose faces they can see. They are very tender-hearted. If your heroes have to watch your minions die at their hands, they will be less inclined to mass murder them. So, have your minions wear ordinary blue jeans and t-shirts.

2. Insurance for Secret Lair.

Okay, this does sound contrary, but bear with me. The monthly premiums may be high, but once the hero has stormed through your secret lair, busted the security system, and generally smashed everything, you will be happy to have some cash to fall back upon. You will not have lost everything.

3. Buy a used car.

Yes, the Evil limousine is so appealing, (I myself am a fan of Johann Schmidt's Hydra Mobile,) but they are expensive. Buy a used car, preferably something with higher gas mileage. Just don't get swindled. But if you do, just bomb the used car shop to dirt. You must never let someone else have the last laugh.

4. Rent a lair instead of building one yourself.

We all daydream of having our own secret lair hidden beneath a mountain. But, when you are just starting, that's out of the question. A student from my year, Mr. Wally Wagnot, spent all his money on a custom built evil lair, complete with a whirlpool that could be transformed into a poison bath at the flick of a switch, only to have it bombed by the heroes in the first week, roughly into the tenth chapter. Mr. Wally Wagnot is now collecting garbage in Cincinnati, and the most sinister thing he can get away with is throwing the recycling in with the garbage that goes to the landfill.

I suggest that you rent a plain apartment building, outfit it with some decent cameras, and work from there. And, if your evil lair apartment building is in a residential neighborhood, complete with children and puppies, the hero won't bomb you. The children and puppies are handy for hostage situations. Heroes will do anything to save children and puppies. I know, they’re fools that way.

5. Work a job.

Yes, you could humble yourself to work a side job. It will pay the water bill. Besides, if you work at McDonalds under a false identity, you could spread rumors about your villainous activity. Why should heroes get all the mild mannered alter egos?

6. No evil costume.

Yes, I know that in the session entitled, 5 Things Every Villain Should Do, the late, great, (and barbecued) Mr. Speaker told you that you ought to have a frightening wardrobe. I disagree, and since Mr. Speaker was munched by the dragon, (I've got some good stories from my days here about that dragon,) I may say what I please. A costume is not necessary for inciting fear. Imagine, the hero has somehow infiltrated your lair, has opened the door to your inner sanctuary, and now stands behind your chair. You swivel your chair around, and the hero is shocked to see an ordinary young woman in slacks and a lacy blouse. She may even have a sweet high-pitched voice like me. The hero will be shocked and confused. He came prepared to slay a monster in terrifying black robes, not a nice little lady, or a computer geek in horn-rimmed glasses. In that moment of confusion, while he debates whether this is a trap, you shoot him in the head. Done deal. 'but the minions won't fear me,' you whine. If you have an attractive personality and a killer evil laugh, the minions will fear you.

7. Hold a fundraiser.

You can sell cupcakes, and claim the benefits go to the orphans of Nicaragua. Honesty is not a trait we villains are known for.

8. Last of all, don't be extravagant.

Use your brains, super villains in training. You can take home economics classes, and learn how to handle money. I suggest quickbooks for record keeping.

“That is all I have for now. I have a helicopter to catch in thirty minutes.” Miss Leerlover sends a text on her phone. Her fingernails click against the screen in perfect rhythm. “Make that forty-five. They're late. Anyhow.” She beams a sweet smile. “I wish you all the best of luck. Don't worry, the villains always get all the luck.”