A man's voice crackles over the
radio, “Greetings, friends. It's me, the substitute spy. The Spy
has gone missing, and I fear she may be locked in The Filthy Dungeons
of Doom and Gloom. Anyhow, I'm here substituting at the Academy for
Ultimate Villainy. I'm hiding in the catwalk over Iniquitous
Auditorium, but I don't know how long I have until they find me. So,
here goes.”
Dr. Sylvia Sinestra, “We would like
to welcome to the stage Miss Leticia Leerlover, celebrated alumna of
The Academy of Ultimate Villainy, five times conqueror of Saba, and
2011 winner of Who's got an evil laugh!”
Leticia,
a trim and stately brunette,
minces on stage in three inch dragon
leather heels. She takes her
place at the podium. “Is this on?” She
taps the mic with a slender forefinger, causing a fuzzy roar to shake
the amphitheater. She winces. “Thank
you. Greetings, students of villainy. I
assume you all are faring diabolically." The auditorium explodes into cheers and malicious laughs. "Today I shall speak on how to
conquer the world on a low budget. By
the time you graduate, many of you will have incurred colossal
student loans and class related medical bills. The best education is hardly cheap. But when you graduate,
you feel you can take on the world, the hero, even the author. You
are on fire, for you are young and invincible. Young, invincible, and
dead broke.” She bubbles a
high-pitched giggle. “You
are as sunk in debt as you plan to sink the hero in eel infested
slime. Ultimate Villainy is expensive! And even though you can get a
decent payment plan on an Evil-mobile, the price to keep it in
gasoline would make your sinister chuckle die in your throat. And
let's not even mention the costs of a Secret Lair, or paying employment agents to hire minions for
you, the cost of a decent
security system, radio slots for broadcasting threats to the
world—You didn't actually think Real Villains hijack
the radio? Ooooh. Villainy is an expensive life goal. However, there
are ways to make it cheaper.”
Leticia pivots toward the back wall and fumbles with the powerpoint remote. The images on the imax screen
shift into place. “Thank you.”
“1. No
costumes for minions.
I
am thoroughly against Stormtrooper-ish costumes. For one they are
expensive even when you purchase them in bulk from
myminions.com. Another reason
is that heroes qualm about slaughtering people whose faces they can
see. They are very
tender-hearted. If your
heroes have to watch your minions die at their hands, they will be
less inclined to mass murder them. So, have your minions
wear ordinary blue jeans and t-shirts.
2.
Insurance for Secret Lair.
Okay,
this does sound contrary, but bear with me. The
monthly premiums may be high, but once the hero has stormed through
your secret lair, busted the security system, and generally smashed
everything, you will be happy to have some cash to fall back upon.
You will not have lost everything.
3.
Buy a used
car.
Yes,
the Evil limousine is so appealing, (I myself am a fan of Johann
Schmidt's Hydra Mobile,) but they are expensive. Buy a used car,
preferably something with higher
gas mileage. Just
don't get swindled. But
if you do, just bomb the used car shop to dirt. You must never let
someone else have the last laugh.
4.
Rent a lair instead of
building one yourself.
We
all daydream of having our own secret lair hidden beneath a mountain.
But, when you are just starting, that's out of the question. A
student from my year,
Mr. Wally Wagnot, spent all his money on a custom built evil lair,
complete with a whirlpool that
could be transformed into a poison bath at the flick of a switch,
only to have it bombed by the heroes in the first week, roughly
into the tenth
chapter.
Mr. Wally Wagnot is now collecting garbage in Cincinnati, and the
most sinister thing he can get away with is throwing
the recycling in with the garbage that goes to the landfill.
I suggest that you
rent a plain apartment building, outfit it with some decent cameras,
and work from there. And, if your evil lair apartment building is in
a residential neighborhood, complete with children and puppies, the
hero won't bomb you. The children and puppies are handy for hostage
situations. Heroes will do anything to save children and puppies. I
know, they’re fools that way.
5. Work a job.
Yes,
you could humble yourself to
work a side job. It
will pay the water bill.
Besides, if you work at McDonalds under a false identity, you could
spread rumors about your
villainous activity. Why
should heroes get all the mild mannered alter egos?
6. No evil
costume.
Yes,
I know that in the session entitled, 5 Things Every Villain Should
Do, the late, great, (and barbecued) Mr. Speaker told you that you
ought to have a frightening wardrobe. I disagree, and since Mr.
Speaker was munched by the dragon, (I've got some good stories from
my days here about that dragon,) I may say what I please. A costume
is not necessary for inciting fear. Imagine, the hero has somehow
infiltrated your lair, has opened the door to your inner sanctuary,
and now stands behind your chair. You swivel your chair around, and
the hero is shocked to see an ordinary young woman in slacks and a
lacy blouse.
She may even have a sweet high-pitched voice like me. The hero will
be shocked and confused. He came prepared to slay a monster in
terrifying black robes, not a nice little lady, or a computer geek in
horn-rimmed glasses.
In that moment of confusion, while he debates whether this is a trap,
you shoot him in the head. Done deal. 'but the minions won't fear
me,' you whine. If you have an
attractive personality and a
killer evil laugh, the minions will fear you.
7.
Hold a fundraiser.
You can sell
cupcakes, and claim the benefits go to the orphans of Nicaragua.
Honesty is not a trait we villains are known for.
8. Last of all,
don't be extravagant.
Use
your brains, super villains in training. You can take home economics
classes, and learn how to handle money. I suggest quickbooks for
record keeping.
“That
is all I have for now. I have a helicopter to catch in thirty
minutes.” Miss Leerlover sends a text on her phone. Her fingernails
click against the screen in perfect rhythm. “Make
that forty-five. They're late. Anyhow.” She beams a sweet smile. “I
wish you all the best of luck. Don't worry, the villains always get
all the luck.”
